The Art of Asking
Learning to ask for help isn't weakness; it's receptivity
“When you find true strength in seeing our interdependence in each other”
For most of us, asking for help is out of our comfort zone.
From asking for a glass of water to asking for money to asking to be heard… asking is hard. And yet, asking is so natural. As children, we depend solely on our caregiver. We ask for food, for comfort, for absolutely everything. As we grow up, are we any less dependent on each other?
Growing up, we are told that dependency is weakness. Asking for help makes us look too needy and vulnerable. We must be competent and responsible to solve our own problems. Of course, this is true in so many ways. And yet, this perspective is too simplistic. Being responsible and asking for help are not mutually exclusive. The myth of the "self-made" life is thinking that we alone are the creator of our life and we alone must go through our struggles.
There’s no honor in trying to prove that we can carry the entire burden on our own shoulders. Plus, it’s lonely.
The truth is, we are living in a beautifully complex network of dependence. We are dependent on each other. On the environment around us. On the rain, the sunshine, the earth and the air.
To deny our dependence is to deny the many ways we are connected to each other.
Acknowledging our dependence allows us to see the continuous opportunity to give and receive love.
A loving exchange is made of two parts: giving and receiving. It’s hard to give love if there is no one on the other side receiving it. How interesting it is that we have solely glorified giving and neglected the important position of the receiver.
Henry Miller beautifully writes, “To receive is much harder — one actually has to be more delicate, if I may say so. One has to help people to be more generous. By receiving from others, by letting them help you, you really aid them to become bigger, more generous, more magnanimous.”
There are different ways of asking. When we are afraid to be labeled needy and weak, we ask with shame. We might also ask with condensation and demand from someone else. However, we can ask with gratitude and establish a genuine connection with someone else. This idea is explored in full lengths in Amanda Palmer’s incredible book, The Art of Asking.
She says, “Those who can ask without shame are viewing themselves in collaboration with — rather than in competition with — the world.”
There is no doubt that we are living through challenging times right now. When people are going through so much difficulty, we might wonder, is it really ok to ask this of someone? Is my request another burden?
I believe that this is a time that we must learn to be comfortable asking from one another. Ask generously. Ask with gratitude. Ask vulnerably.
It is in asking that we allow ourselves to be seen during our challenges. It is in asking that we create connection with each other and break the walls of our own heart to welcome help and love. It is in asking that we begin to be honest about our needs.
It is in asking that we give purpose and empowerment to those who are ready to give.
“Asking for help with shame says:
You have the power over me.
Asking with condescension says:
I have the power over you.
But asking for help with gratitude says:
We have the power to help each other.”